dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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