I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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