I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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