u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
