My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
