I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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