Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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