Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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