well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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