As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
