remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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