....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
