ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
