i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I think I am morally bankrupt
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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