drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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