So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
