Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
