At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
