the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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