I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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