no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
