nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
