i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
