I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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