i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
