i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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