sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
