Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish i was in the wii world.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize