This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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