Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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