In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
