I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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