Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
