21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
