U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
