i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
