are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Will exercising make me less horny?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
