You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize