Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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