No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
