sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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