Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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