i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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