I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
