I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
