Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just google imaged poop.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize
