which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
