I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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