ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
