Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
