If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
