i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
