Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
