so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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