no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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