so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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