I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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