This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
