Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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