Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
