just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
