I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
