I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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